When it comes to love, I believe people have two hearts: the first wants to be seen as unique and special; it sees love as two perfect puzzle pieces fitting together and wants to find its soulmate. The second wants to be seen as not unique at all: it wants to be attractive to society at large, and comparable to everyone, yet still be wanted. It wants to compete and to win.
I think good flirting talks to both hearts at once. Talking to Unique Heart acknowledges their individuality and is genuine and caring. Talking to Society Heart validates their sexuality and gender, feels playful, and takes the seriousness out of the interaction (if they feel like just another person to you, then they know you won’t take their response as a big deal either way). Even a pick-up line can do both: it’s entirely impersonal, transparent in its motivations, but at the same time sort of ironically earnest.
The hearts are different, but in a healthy environment they can co-exist, helping each other out and mostly getting to the same goals. However, when someone feels too sexualised, or otherwise dehumanised or used, Unique Heart has its needs unmet and becomes bitter: it attacks Society Heart, and becomes suspicious of being used for money or security, or sees all sexual interest as shallow and vulgar. It might become terrified of being betrayed. It might actively resist efforts to become more attractive, seeing it as only bringing fake attention (and anyway, “the right person would love me for who I am regardless”).
When someone feels invisible, like they don’t meet the standards expected of their gender, Society Heart has its needs unmet and sees Unique Heart as weak, suspecting that anyone interested in them only likes them because they have no other options. It becomes critical of its and others’ attractiveness, and terrified of commitment, always wanting to stay free to maximise how much validation it can get.
When different parts of someone are fighting each other like this, it can lead to confusing, contradictory feelings like “I feel really lonely but whenever someone is interested I end up pushing them away.” I think it also explains basically all grudges people have in matters of love.
What am I supposed to do when my hearts are fighting? In dating, it feels like there’s not really anything Unique Heart can do. It feels like my Society Heart has to run the show; its job is to come across as attractive in order for someone to want to get to know me, so that our Unique Hearts have a chance to see each other and be loved. When I get rejected, it takes a lot of effort to keep Unique Heart safe and to keep believing that the right person will like me as I am.
It’s also difficult because I feel like my Society Heart wants different things to my Unique Heart. It’s attracted to femininity and to women who are a bit immature and who have a lot of options and passion for sleeping around. It has a weird desire to be disposable to someone, a notch in a bedpost, because then it knows we’ve been seen as just a random, attractive guy. Of course, when it gets what it wants, the mask it’s made prevents it from really enjoying it; and obviously, this isn’t a good strategy for meeting my future wife. What else can I do, though? I can’t control when or if I’ll meet my soulmate. The only thing I can do is myself more attractive and choose to go out and meet women in general. I have to keep playing this weird double game of trying to succeed but also being completely unbothered by individual failures. I have to, effectively, be insane and keep trying something that hasn’t yet worked.
To be honest, sometimes I worry my Unique Heart is wrong and I’m not really lovable like that. But I know that’s not true, because the deepest connections I’ve had have seemed like pure luck. They were practically instant and mostly effortless. I can have hundreds of dances that end in nothing but pleasantries, or hundreds of stunted conversations which don’t last, until unexpectedly I stay up with someone all night, talking in a park at 2am, or laughing and getting lost together through silent back-streets on the way to my hotel, or kissing without having said a word. I just have to keep going, I guess.